the drift

home again ...

2011-01-18T15:19:00.003-06:00

i'm here. i'm here. i just visited my backyard for the first time in what seems like eons. i'm here.
we have the best little birdies back there. stripey-headed finches, cardinals bright cocky red and warm motherly rust, even a damn woodpecker pecking away on the forgotten pines hanging over our depressed garage. so lovely with the patches of snow on the ground.
so here i am. the children in school a couple of days a week. pondering the future and where it might take us.
i've quit that god-awful job with the wonderful money. well, let's call it passable money. too much money for us, honestly. we don't need upper middle class. solidly middle class works for our value system well enough. we've done a lot on our house in a year. it's eventual decay and memory is now shored up for a good few years. god willing.
so i find myself sort of at the nexus of everything i ever thought i wanted. and it's amazing and hard to believe. my wonderful husband, my beautiful, bright children. my freelance strong. my heart stronger. a man i can depend on.
a man i can depend on.
rarer than a unicorn.
but there he stands.
telling me to take my time.
to draw and create. be the artist I am.
and goddamn it, i think he means it.
so i quit my job.
thankfully, never a girl without a plan b, i'd kept my best freelance customers and they will continue to be the padding to the nest egg but the real reason i'm here is to follow the path of my art. whatever that really is. wherever it actually leads.
i think perceptive did me a big favor. it killed whatever attachment to technical writing i'd ever had. the truth is, when i made that career choice, i never imagined a day when i wouldn't be the person i depended on. to pay my own way was the only option. i never dared to think there would be a person i would rely on to the degree that i wouldn't need to toil at a job i only minorly hated.
so me staying home is a dual pledge. him to me and our children to be the person we depend on to provide our financial and emotional base. me to him to be able to rely on him with everything i have. in some ways, my insistence on continuing my career was my last reservation in this marriage. the last roped off area of the life from before I knew him. And I'm scared but I believe in him. And he believes in me. And I'm walking through the door he opened.
Wish us luck, little ducks.
p.s. thanks for being my diary today.

Nobody's Gay With Me!

2010-12-06T23:56:00.001-06:00

lol - thank god i broke up with my best gay years ago. look at these dissociative freaky women.

Said your name in an empty room

2010-09-20T18:55:00.001-05:00

A few nights ago I had a nightmare. Ive never had the kind that blend with waking life. well once but that had to do with an unwise visit to a gay psychic named garylee lee. I remember I went to his shop in particular because of the rainbow wind sock outside his door. Anyway beyond a visit from a dream traveling psychic arkansasan, I've never woken from a dream wondering, 'What the fuck is going on in my room?' Until last night. Granted I woke up and proceeded to empty the contents of my stomach into a trash can so I clearly had something going on that my mind was trying to wake me up for, but I remain creeped out nonetheless.
I woke up hearing moaning, wailing really, and it's the sound of a man. I feel myself wake up and I see a tiny red glow like laser pointer but surrounded with a glow like brake lights and I can still hear the man for a couple of beats as i'm waking up. Immediately I think something terrible has happened to my dad for some reason. I debate for a half second on calling him and then I think, 'Was that doug?' Our friend Doug died a year ago today in a helicopter accident. In life, he was very simply, but most accurately, a delight. I don't know that he enjoyed me as much as I enjoyed him but I certainly enjoyed the man -- his easy laugh and his bear hugs.
The day it happened, I got the call from his wife and I remember her saying it. There was no discussion other than me saying clear as day, ' No he didn't Jes.' Which by the way is the absolute worst response to someone who is still in shock herself. Then I started hyperventilating and I told her to talk to Jay. I didn't have it in me to tell him his best friend had died. I felt like he wouldn't believe me if I told him. I don't think I quite believed it at that time either.
So here it is. A year later. His son's second birthday just last weekend. His wife's birthday yesterday. His 5th wedding anniversary just around the corner. I see them going through these milestones without him but there is this expectancy under the surface -- like maybe just maybe he will show up anyway. I feel it myself on some level. I can only imagine it more so for them.
So, tonight, Doug, just like a year ago, I'll say a rosary for you. And maybe cry a bit for every time I held your son or your wife this year when you couldn't. And I'll drink a few. I'm Catholic; it's what we do. I hope I get the same feeling I got that night -- of you in the corner of the room with a feeling of gratitude and indulgence. "Sarah, thanks hon but I'm not really religious you know?"
I know, hon. God rest your sweet sweet soul. Your families -- all of them you made, found, found you or were born from -- miss you.

daddies don't let your babies grow up to be princesses

2010-09-08T21:10:00.003-05:00

well, recently, i had a surprising (to me anyway) reaction to the news that a friend is expecting his 5th child. He has just the one daughter now and they have yet to find out the sex of the baby on the way. i mention this really just to set the scenario -- i want this post to be more about me than him because his life is unique from the situation i grew up in. that said, my conclusive nature led me down some paths upon hearing the news. frankly, i was surprised that anyone with a respectable but average annual income for a family would do this on purpose. there was never enough of anything material or likewise in my childhood home. split 5, 6 or 7 ways, mattresses, little debbies, hugs or the attention of two parents sometimes both working two jobs only goes so far. which may have been fine were there a sense of shared struggle. but instead there was a distinct gender divide drawn. i had my own room while the 4 boys shared two rooms. the line divided my chores from theirs, my rules from theirs, and my activities from theirs. from their end, because they had no firsthand knowledge, all of those distinctions made my life easier. and they resented me, understandably. as my father built these castle walls around my identity, i grew in alienation. in fairness, i think he didn't know what else to do with me. He had no sisters. his mother was controlling and a bit bizarre. he really thought this is what every little girl wants: to be the princess. he couldn't have been more wrong. princesses aren't loved -- they're indulged, they're tolerated, they're dismissed and feared even, but they're never loved. my mom attempted to offset this by making me into a mini-mom and dumping her problems on me under the guise of being close to me. but that was no more authentic a relationship with me than the other. by overdetermining my role in the family, the animosity from my brothers just grew.

ultimately, they were parenting with their needs first. with their preconceptions and baggage riding shotgun. their ideologies, while admirably clearly defined, put them on auto-pilot all too often and allowed them to plow over the emotional needs of the little individuals they were raising. and, while maybe we all do this on some level, it's inexcusable to me to sacrifice the uniqueness of a child at the altar of our own parental ideologies -- or at the very least to be so oblivious, we can't even accept our limitations in this area.

maybe this is why i can only handle two kids. because i know firsthand that quality is never in proportion to quantity where the raising of children is concerned. and why i search for the distinctions in my kids and try to listen for the signals of their little blossoming personalities. because i was never just me -- i was a symbol of femininity, an emblem of the struggle with the feminine other, a carrier of their mother baggage, but i was never just their daughter or sister.

i pray to god this little gal gets a sis.

little girl you're old enough to understand, you'll always be a stranger in a strange strange land

2010-09-05T22:22:00.004-05:00

Oh! My little bird in a cage
Oh! My little bird in a cage
I need you to get up for me, up on that stage
And show the men that you're old for your age
Now ain't the time for fear
But if you don't take it, it'll disappear

Oh! My little mocking bird sing
Oh! My little mocking bird sing
I need you to get up on that stage for me, honey
And show the men it's not about the money

Wanna hold a mirror up to the world
So that they can see themselves inside my little girl

(i've been thinking about this post for a long time. everything that's wrong with being a girl in this culture. why feminist shouldn't be a bad word.)

the children are tucked up in their beds fast asleep

2010-08-23T20:58:00.002-05:00

while i plot and plan my way into storycorps when their mobile unit is in town next month. if i get a slot, i'm so torn on who to take with me. my dad? ask him about nam and maybe about being a dad to 5 kids. my mom? ask her about being married to a PTSD suffering alcoholic and working in hospice for years? jason because he is a creative force? Ro to preserve his four year old brilliance on audio forever? Or maybe I'll interview myself. That isn't self-absorbed or anything.
i've been thinking a lot of being home with the babies again as i see all of these people i know sending their kids to kindergarten. it's a mere two years before i'm packing Ro up for a real school and my uterus is weeping at the thought already. there is word of some freelance work which, with the kids doing some daycare, would be much more doable that way.
this mothering stuff is full of angsting over decisions for them. i hope they have no clue and think this is effortless for me.
b and i were zoning on the couch the other day and i was combing back her hair with my hands a bit and she looked up and me and said, Mommy, you pretty eyes. And i said, Awww, Sis, YOU have pretty eyes. And she volleyed back with, Mama, you eyes pretty so I eat dem!!! And proceeded to make nomming sounds and lean into the eye area of my face. and i couldn't help but laugh and laugh. what a complete goofball. at 2 years old. she's my dream daughter, hands down.

Gay Hands

2010-08-19T22:47:00.002-05:00

So, at my relatively new job, there's this guy on one of my teams and I (with great sensitivity) call him 'Gay Hands'. They flutter like little nervous birds when he's explaining his work. Not a definitive by any means, taken on its own. There's a gold band on the left hand. And he's got just the slightest hint of fussiness in his inflection. Ending consonants are just a little too tight. He somehow always mentions watching football in literally every non-work-related convo we have. He even pantomimed a remote and said "isn't any football on?" I think it was the pantomiming that sealed it for me.
At any rate, I make no judgments. I simply notice these sorts of details and they, often against my will, aggregate into an idea of his deepest darkest secret. A poorly kept one to be sure. And truly, I want to more oblivious. I don't want to know that he has a loveless marriage and he watches football for questionable reasons.
Because it sort of breaks my heart when he makes a football comment. Or he says to me, "I'm going to explain this to you like my wife would explain it to me."
Really? Ok.
I have a hard time making eye contact. I'm sure he senses my discomfort and I hope he doesn't misread it. I'm not uncomfortable because of him; I'm uncomfortable FOR him. I don't want him to see my ponderings flash across my face.
I heard recently a piece of dialog somewhere to the effect "Isn't it the damnedest thing ... We can never see the problem with ourselves but it's apparent to everyone else the second they meet us."
Godspeed, Gay Hands. May you clutch a peen or two in life if ever you are ok with the reality of it.

i've been thinking about you; have you been thinking about me?

2010-08-13T20:57:00.004-05:00

blog i miss you when i'm gone. i've been thinking about you a lot and where my mind's been.

well, it's been a lot with our friend J this year. Yeah, pretty much all year. she's 35 and lost her husband in a helicopter crash last September. he left this beautiful life behind, the kind of life few of us ever are gifted with. i think about him a lot. i think about the magnitude of losing a person so dear. the father of my children. i pray for her always. and i stand by her on her journey. and it's not been easy but i'd have not done a thing differently -- for once in my life.

i've been thinking on me a lot too and the work i need to do. we all have work to do, and i've got plenty of it just waiting to be scooped up and plated.

and i love singing. i have an ok voice, but i love and i transcend when i sing. did you know that about me? that i can be seen on the occasional late night driving down State Ave and belting out Neko Case songs as best as my little untrained throat can? well, i do. and sometimes i cry too because i'm emo as shit.

and i'm apparently an introvert. everyone but me is surprised by this. i find human interaction generally perplexing, mostly draining and periodically self-flagellating. most people in the world are extroverted thinkers. i think this explains a hell of a lot.

and i think that's good for tonight. it feels right to be here and i hope to settle back in in short order.

enjoy this KS thunder. it's like a secret in a very loud whisper.

it's almost embarrassing to post after this long

2010-01-28T15:31:00.002-06:00

but i was having a great convo about this school that banned merriam-webster for having 'oral sex' defined in it. and i was discussing it with my favorite new convert to christianity light/neo-conservatism. he's a bright man and he's learning how to think for himself in these two areas and i love to follow his progress. since i did this kind of stuff many moons ago, it's nice to get into those same old topics and discover those values i aligned in myself growing up and in college still hold water.

I would wager that any kid who actually knows how to spell and look-up the word probably a) has cursory knowledge of it already and isn’t that the issue? this mythos of children being asexual b) as others have stated, doesn’t have Internet access.
An earlier commenter stated that sex is powerful and is to be respected as an emotional act, not one of the body. If we spent more time worrying about how to instill that value instead of trying to protect children from knowledge of various sex acts, we’d be better off in general. For controlling, fearful parents, the emphasis is on the forbidden in life, the dangerous — and all the fascination that comes along with those two labels in life. They are emphasizing that knowledge is to be feared instead of encountered then critiqued. And I would actually agree with it on some level if that approach worked. It simply doesn’t.
How should we establish our values?
We should establish our values by synthesizing our spiritual knowledge, our intellect and our experience. The value above is a great one that only a contrarian could take issue with. And my point here is that the emphasis is on the wrong thing here – by emphasizing protection from sexual knowledge you overdetermine the importance of the bodily act and you UNDERdetermine the spirituality/emotionality of it. Which to me, is completely the wrong message. My parents did not do this with me and I was never for a minute a whore – even though I learned about bj’s from Scarface. When I would fixate on the bodily functions involved in sexuality they would change the conversation to make it about ‘true’ meaning of sex. That did a couple of things. It framed sex as something a lot more complex than taking a shit. It made me fear the emotional implications of sex. I didn’t fear God’s wrath or pregnancy as much as feared losing my identity or sense of self. Of course, it didn’t hurt that every discussion of sin in our house was almost always accompanied by a reverent discussion of the Gift of Freewill. I wouldn’t jeopardize my freewill for any moral being. I think in that area of my upbringing (clearly not their choices in movies), my parents did it right.

as i drive around this city lately

2009-08-30T23:42:00.002-05:00

I've got this tourism bureau-ready slogan floating in my head all the time. Like a (sadly legitimate) worry and a joke wrapped up in one.
"Kansas City -- Where a stray bullet has your name on it."
It's so true; it's awful. It's so awful; it's true.
And that's it really, not much swimming around in my sleep-short brain these days ... besides some meta reading of the latest Mad Men episode (ah what a turn on the head of the Camelot days) which I doubt anyone would be even vaguely interested in without a few Harvey Wallbangers down the hatch first.
Hugs.

listen. so i've been wasting my best stuff in comments sections lately.

2009-08-18T23:51:00.002-05:00

And I'm bogged down with work (yes, I'm a lib AND I fucking own a business! could it be??) so I'm simply republishing a comment I had somewhere else under the guise of something new to say. But read ahead -- I'll give you the highlights.

"Anyone read the bill?
(the one that’s not even out of committee yet?)

Let’s cut to the motherfucking chase –
conservatives are motivated by fear mongering
liberals are motivated by class warfare

I’ll take staring inequality in the face and calling it what’s what over hiding under a bed neatly made with Way Back When sheets any day.

Conservatives are motivated by fear. There I said it.
I’m drunk. So fucking what?

I’d rather die under the promise of offering a hand up to those that need it than die under the false premise that we live in a meritocracy. Kind of like the people protesting a public insurance option have always had insurance when they most needed it — people who believe we all start from zero and succeed in a meritocracy are people who started with all the right checks in the majority column.

(BTW anyone besides me notice that the whole fucking IDEA of insurance is a fucking exercise in communism? [at least before insurance companies started being run by shareholders and not doctors http://healthcareforamericanow.org/site/content/new_report_private_insurers_consolidate_and_control_prices)

I love summie. And for that reason, I love to hear her take on things. She brings something to the world of politics that I do not. However, in an objective sense, that goes both ways. We need neo-cons. We need libs. If only to help the rest of us self-identify somewhere in the middle.

P.S. Conservatives are not idiots. But they are not motivated by the same things I’m motivated by. That said, sometimes what the libs want is what’s best for the country. Sometimes what is best for the country is what cons want (see my arguement about con beliefs being fear-of-the-unknown based v. lib beliefs being fear-of-The-Man beliefs). This time, the libs have it." from http://theapostleoftheturtle.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/liberalism-is-the-new-goth/#comment-140

So before we start shouting fire in a crowded theater — or “They’re going to euthanize retards!” let’s read the bill language instead of elevating poorly worked retweets and Beck-onized propaganda.

the truth is, you people couldn’t get behind a bill to euthanize Hitler if the seed of the idea came from the Obama administration. so, by all means, be in touch with your representative and discuss the bill, but don’t regurgitate fear-based talking points.

the truth is, middle of the road americans (which god love you Summie, is not you OR I) will see this concept of a public v private option depending on who they trust most: the government or insurance companies.

personally, i’d rather put my stake in someone beholden to VOTERS rather than shareholders. then from there, we can at least honestly address this whole idea that the electoral college is a farce.

Craig Klotz You know what I really, really, REALLY want? Yup: socialized medicine.
2 hours ago · Comment · Like / Unlike
4 people like this.
Brandon Porter
Brandon Porter
at least get something going. It seems the people who are complaining about this topic have probably always had insurence.
2 hours ago
Laura Lorson
Laura Lorson
I thought you really really really wanted a zigga-zig-aaaaah.
2 hours ago
Sarah Jacobson
Sarah Jacobson
No, no, no. What I really want is medicine FOR PROFIT!!
about an hour ago · Delete

community health care co-op?

2009-07-26T09:34:00.002-05:00

After reading a bit online about the start of the NHS in Britain I think there could be something to this idea of relatively healthy people dropping out of their group health care plans and joining a locally based health care co-op. Before I had children, my lifelong medical care probably totaled somewhere in the 3k to 4k range. During that time, the premiums paid equaled two to three times that. (I think similar math would hold even after having children -- proportion of need to amount of premiums paid since we started getting the cadillac grade insurance plan once we started having kids.)
Of course, I know nothing of the logistics of this. That doesn't make it irrelevant. For middle income and low income people, there is no reason that this shouldn't work, with a little help of some people like Wendell Potter ... former industry execs to consult, local clinicians to provide basic services or local offices to sign on to work with us. I would bet there are plenty of start up doc offices that would rather work with a local entity like this than the myriad insurance companies with all of their hoops and red tape (the start up and maintenance cost of staff and technology is exorbitant from what I saw working for a medical info tech company).
There has to be a way to make this work at least for the most common health care needs. Just because the media doesn't have the answers, and Congress isn't getting creative enough, doesn't mean WE don't have the answers.
I'm curious to hear what people know about this? What are the biggest hurdles? What is doable? I find the idea of grassroots health care reform infinitely more realistic to manage and navigate for most people. I mean really, if the ahole who decides whether you get care paid for you lives next door, isn't it more likely that these co-ops will meet the needs of the payers more?

http://www.ghc.org/about_gh/co-op_overview/index.jhtml
http://thinkprogress.org/2009/06/15/dean-coop-proposal/
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1906105,00.html
http://www.powerhomebiz.com/News/072009/insurance-coops.htm

Toddlers On Computers Make Me Sad

2009-07-17T21:14:00.005-05:00

This isn't going to win me any friends in my mom circles, but that's hardly surprising. The older the kids get, the more I think -- Where are the other gals like me? I'm not out there as far as mothering goes (I'm not dipping them in hourly baths of Purell nor am I making their clothes from recycled underwear). Where are the practical broads with a pragmatic skepticism of the tension between childhood and the cultural norms du jour?
Anyway, I digress folks.
An old classmate updated her FB status today with something to the effect that her 3 year old's soccer coach (btw you don't 'coach' 3 yr olds to do anything and if you do, you're a dbag) wants to move him up to the next age level 6 MOS EARLY. Also, her 3 yr old is taking Tots on Computers classes and doing really well in them -- do any teachers out there know of gifted daycare centers?
Ok, ok. I'm a horrible bitch for critiquing a mother's blind adoration of her child (which in this case in particular is just another exercise in narcissistic mothering but again I digress). We've got that out of the way so let's move on.
Surely, my first reaction to the post by this person is -- Yes, of course, your 3 yr old is gifted. (And hey, he might be, who fucking knows? He's THREE!)
Then I think, Ugh. I hope I never do that to my kids. Putting them in computer classes just as they're learning that poo goes in the toilet? That said -- she's not alone in that all sorts of media are constantly pulling our toddlers into that alpha multimedia brain state -- playing games and stuff on the computer, videos, frankenstein hybrid videos and games -- to deafening silence among the majority of parents I know who don't seem to notice the constant barrage.
and it makes me sad for these kids bcz they're probably going to be chained to a desk their whole life in front of a computer anyway. So he can click a button to pick the right shape on the computer screen? I'm pretty sure I've seen chickens at roadside tourist traps do that for food.
And what kind of brave new world/work makes free shit is that anyway?
Seriously, were mothers during the Industrial Revolution putting their 3 year olds in Cotton Gin courses for 'tots'? you know, just to get a head start. No! They did it for money and because childhood wasn't considered sacred but more a temporary deformity -- but we, evolved compassionate parents that we are, what do we do it for? In what world is a mother conditioned to think her child is gifted simply because he/she shows early signs of assimilation to work culture? Have we really become so obsessed with our children as accessories or statements on our intellect/coolness/upward mobility that we can't even grant them toddlerhood anymore? That even when we're covered in baby fat still and shitting our pants -- our synapses belong to info tech?
whatever. i'm not wrong. children shouldn't be these little mirrors held up to the cultural super-ego*. take your kid outside and go look at a butterfly or something.

(yeah, yeah comp lit friends i know that's clumsy. give me a break.)

curtis mertensmeyer is a convicted killer

2009-06-19T21:40:00.002-05:00

I needed to blog this because if I can contribute one tiny bit to the online record of this case, I want to continue to do so.
I watched Mrs. Riemann, a 6th grade teacher of mine, talk about the death of her son here in a great story from WDAF.
I remember her three blond boys -- Daniel being not much more than a toddler at the time -- popping in and out of her classroom. Many years later, Curtis Mertensmeyer would take that boy's life. The gravity of that fact is not anywhere on Mertensmeyer's face -- not in the courtroom footage, not in the (s)mug shot -- and I've looked for it. If you have any doubts whether he got 120 days due in at least some part to the fact that his parents are clearly well-off and connected, go to that link above and pay close attention to the footage of the car. Yes, that is the car Mertensmeyer drove away from the scene, to a garage to hide until his passengers, NOT HIM, went to the authorities. Sure, on some level there is a measure of bad luck involved here -- but the overwhelming fact is that this kid is a menace and a probable sociopath. But punishment for things like leaving the scene of the crime and vehicular manslaughter don't amount to much more than a hefty legal bill when you've got an address in Whitesmugsville, Kansas. Do you think a minority whose family lives off Prospect and who killed a white kid walking on Ward Parkway -- drunk or not -- would've gotten anything less than life? Look at that car again. You can see the imprint of a human torso in the hood. The windshield is completely shattered. In fact, I'm astounded that he was able to drive that car away from the scene of the crime and in an impaired state no less. Well, I suppose crashing into a human body, throwing it over 150 feet while severing its leg probably would sober you up pretty quickly, right?
Please, please, please. People who have the power to do so -- DO NOT RE-ELECT Judge John Torrence to the Jackson County Circuit court bench or anywhere for that matter. This is a reckless disregard for law and human life that goes down the chain from Mertensmeyer, through his passengers in the car, to Mertensmeyer's mother's attempts to hide his crime, to his defense attorney -- this stellar piece of humanity right here -- and the buck stops at the desk of Judge Torrence.
The confluence of morally bankrupt assholes at work here is beyond pathetic. I sincerely hope that decent business people in this town take special note of the firms and parties involved. And lastly, I hope the universe finds a way to right itself and that the Riemann family is able to find peace in that.

**I know this post was totally disjointed and not very well realized but fuck I get ADD when I'm this appalled by humanity.

Really if I can post once a week, I'm doing well

2009-06-15T20:50:00.003-05:00

I made Ginger Lemon White Peppercorn ice cream in a Ziploc tonight. Jay and Ro made cinnamon -- without any of that hideous faux cinnamon flavoring which is the downfall of nearly all but one cinnamon ice cream I've ever had. Of the group tonight, mine was technically better if a bit on the too sweet side.
We spent the afternoon in my mom's plastic kiddie pool. Bebe got a wee too much sun even with the sunscreen but she's sleeping it off. I give the kid a lot of credit for having the sense (and courtesy) to get her undiapered butt out of the pool before pinching a poo. She acted like she got out to admire the rose bush then I saw her shaking it off her butt like a regular cave baby and I was overcome with pride.
I do love summer with the kids and my mom. They are dolls and I feel the luxury of it -- truly I do. I am thankful for these days.
I'm liking the Juan MacClean. Enjoying YYY's It's Blitz more than I expected. Karen O's getting older -- and, it's graceful on her, lucky girl.
I'm trying to sketch again. Jay needs to get more flexible though to make it interesting. Oh well, I should be thankful I have a model with such classic definition. I'm determined to build up some sketches that could make it on the wall someday. Maybe en masse they'll fool the eye into looking like the work of someone who's had some training.
The feral neighborhood cats sound like children crying under my window. It's fucking creepy and if I had the stomach for it I'd off them but the little girls next door feed them and attempt to civilize them enough to pass as pets so I couldn't do it.
I really need like one evening a week to peruse the bookstore for inspiration. Then I need to actually execute the fruits of said inspiration.
Did I ever show you Ro and I's attempt at stop-motion claymation?

tote a tot -- for children who are nothing more than baggage

2009-06-10T15:19:00.002-05:00

i don't know if i've seen a more literal visual translation of the 'baby as accessory' phenomenon. I suppose there's nothing inherently 'wrong' with this picture -- but am i the only person for whom it screams pathology? You know, I've never flown with a baby so I really can't say whether I'd use one or not. But if I did go tearing through the airport like this, I think I'd feel pretty weird about it.

the world's gone merkin crazy

2009-06-09T17:19:00.002-05:00

ok, not really, but since i just found out what the hell a merkin actually is, it seems like i've seen the word everywhere. So I submit for your pleasure a quote from my girl crush Kate Winslet -- by way of perezhilton

“Depends on the character. Let me tell you, The Reader was not glamorous for me in terms of body-hair maintenance. I had to grow it in, because you can’t have a landing strip in 1950, you know? And then because of years of waxing, as all of us girls know, it doesn’t come back quite the way it used to. They even made me a merkin because they were so concerned that I might not be able to grow enough. I said, 'Guys, I am going to have to draw the line at a pubic wig. But you can shoot my snatch up close and personal.'"

…and for those that saw the movie, they did!

- Kate Winslet, on her grooming habits down there, in the new issue of Allure

Ah, the beautiful KCK morn

2009-05-06T11:13:00.002-05:00

I took a deep breath outside and let the 'Dotte springtime fill my lungs.

And I was reminded of this story from a couple of summers ago. Jay bikes to work from around 18th St and State AVE through Strawberry Hill and the industrial wasteland of the Fairfax District and West Bottoms all the way to downtown KCMO in the summer.

Once, he saw a prostitute getting pumped while standing under an overpass at like 7:30 in the morning. At first, he told me he slowed down because he thought they were having an altercation.

Well they were, but not of the sort he assumed.

That's some early morning infection.

Trying to find my love of poetry again. E.A. Robinson sketches a neo-con quite accidentally.

2009-04-17T16:32:00.003-05:00

It's been awhile since I read poetry on any regular basis or that matter even picked up a recent year's best of anthology but in this week's Time I saw a mention of E.A. Robinson, a poet who never much impressed me until a chat with a friend about good luck and envy intersected with this Time story about the Binghamton massacre of a week or so ago.
The poem mentioned in the piece was so bleak, I had to have more so I looked up a few critiques and especially good one lead to this piece -- and it seems to embody the longing of the most vehement of the neo-cons in my life (a mix of self-loathing, and a sense of the uncanny and a tragic feeling of lost opportunity). It's kinda fun to comp lit with politics. That's a new one for me. Enjoy:

Miniver Cheevy

Miniver Cheevy, child of scorn,
  Grew lean while he assailed the seasons
He wept that he was ever born,
  And he had reasons.

Miniver loved the days of old
  When swords were bright and steeds were prancing;
The vision of a warrior bold
  Would send him dancing.

Miniver sighed for what was not,
  And dreamed, and rested from his labors;
He dreamed of Thebes and Camelot,
  And Priam's neighbors.

Miniver mourned the ripe renown
  That made so many a name so fragrant;
He mourned Romance, now on the town,
  And Art, a vagrant.

Miniver loved the Medici,
  Albeit he had never seen one;
He would have sinned incessantly
  Could he have been one.

Miniver cursed the commonplace
  And eyed a khaki suit with loathing:
He missed the medieval grace
  Of iron clothing.

Miniver scorned the gold he sought,
  But sore annoyed was he without it;
Miniver thought, and thought, and thought,
  And thought about it.

Miniver Cheevy, born too late,
  Scratched his head and kept on thinking;
Miniver coughed, and called it fate,
  And kept on drinking.

   -- Edwin Arlington Robinson

Preutopians Go Undercover at the Tea Party

2009-04-15T22:33:00.007-05:00

What kind of parents take their children to gawk at people with the opposite political views as ours? I dunno. Maybe not good ones, but nonetheless KC's own Tax Day Teabagging at Liberty Memorial made the to-do list this evening.
I suppose the optimist in me wanted my children to witness the day when the neo-cons turned off Fox News, loaded the kids up and stood holding signs, finally breathing some life into the faux populism of the last few elections. The pessimist in me wanted the kids to see a dissonant grouping of (actual, not Fox-brand) libertarians, neo-cons and old fashioned compassionate conservatives (img via TKC) floundering as their worldview reveals itself as outmoded. For myself, I wanted to witness fellow Americans getting riled up about -- no, not children dying or the metaphorical shredding of the Geneva Convention, not providing health insurance to children of the working poor in this country -- no, not any of that -- they are sick of ... taxes. Taxes!! Taxes and freeloaders! Just which freeloaders, I never quite got the names of but looking around the crowd, I got the feeling that the picture of said freeloaders in the collective mind's eye looked more like this:
than this:
The simple fact was that the crowd had far more representatives from Exhibit B than Exhibit A (I saw two walking up from H&R Block with signs in tow). So, let me call that a rational inference.
And you know, it's not that I'm a supporter of the bailouts or the MASSIVE influence of Wall Street in this administration. It's a fucking travesty. A travesty of the similar consequence as the massive war-profiteering that occurred during the last administration when another multi-national corporation called Halliburton had its paws in the nation's coffers through backroom dealings (just like AIG in this administration) and rigged contract bidding. It's ridiculous to not call a spade a spade. To, within the same breath call for impeachment of this president over AIG and bailouts and out of the other side of the mouth protest any investigation into the previous administration's illegal dealings with Halliburton or wire-tapping or any number accusations just as grave. What is the difference?
More importantly, what do the tea partiers want? What is the end goal here? Impeachment? I've asked around quite a bit. No one has much of an answer for me but impeachment seems to be mentioned most consistently. I've been to my share of ill-fated liberal protests, let me tell you, and what they all shared was a lack of cohesion in the end game message. I saw that today. But truly, without a workable solution, it amounts to little more than pissing and moaning. It's like they just figured out that they're being taxed? I wonder when they'll actually look at their paystubs and figure out that the majority of them just benefitted from the largest middle class tax cut in history?
Eh, the truth is, I felt pretty uncomfortable as looks of approval were shot our way. After all, we had all the same trappings of those around us -- the two kids (albeit not dressed in stars and stripes themed casual wear), stroller, pale faces with dashing good looks, good enough jobs -- so it was natural. I wondered what they'd look at me like if they knew I once trekked out into a dark snowy Milwaukee night to hear Gloria Steinem stump for Gore.
As I looked out at the crowd of 1500 or so today (not 5k as is being reported by the right-wingers naturally but still exceptional for a KC protest) a wave of disappointment hit me as I thought back to March 2003, standing at the Plaza holding signs protesting the impending invasion of Iraq and all the blantantly false pretense with which our country mounted that effort, standing with my dad, a Vietnam vet, beside me and counting it a huge success with 500 people in attendance. I was swept up by the deep disappointment that such a broad swath of humanity can't be mobilized to care about 'collateral damage' on the other side of the world, babies outside of the womb and on a middle eastern woman's hip, or even to care so deeply about the sacrifice of a young American soldier's life that they would require government accountability in exchange for that ultimate sacrifice ... and I thought of Jesus saying What you do unto the least of you, you do unto me.
I saw a woman walking around with a sign reading 'Are you a Producer or a PARASITE?" Just the unabashed materialism on display! While I saw mostly good people standing there indignant about 401ks that have lost value or dismal home values or social security or welfare moms, I also saw greed. I saw greed returned with greed.
I guess some of us never learned how to share in kindergarten. (aside: In fact, unless you want to raise a bunch of mindless socialist drones, that rule should be taken off the board in kindergarten. We shouldn't be MADE to share!) And for the lady carrying that sign that constructed the producer/parasite binary, I want to tell her to never drive again on OUR interstate. If she wants a road, she can build her own. If she wants to be able to flush her poo down the toilet and not have it come back in her water glass when she pulls the tap, she should quit siphoning off my tax dollars and my husband's tax dollars in order to get clean water and go buy a couple of rivers in Canada (and hope for the best). What hubris in thinking that because you've never been down and out, you never will be! Or, for the guy holding the No Social Security (whilst I give him points for consistency on the socialism talking point), that because you've never been old and on a fixed income, you never will be? That just because your boss still affords you the luxury of breaking a sweat on your weekly TPS reports, the Vietnam vet without legs and an education shouldn't look to your producing ass for a handout. I mean, seriously, IS THIS the world these people really want to live in? Sometimes I wonder where people's hearts are.
Especially THESE people who, as I looked around, for the most part, exuded that uniquely American brand of fresh-faced suburban hopefulness and neighborliness. There were the bitter folk, of course, but there were mostly a lot of genuine people who saw themselves there as defending their children's futures, and while a stew of mixed messages and sublimated motivations ultimately muddled the goal, I have to respect that part of what they were trying to do.
Update: Do check out KC-based art toy phenom, MAD's, sweet signs for the JoCo Tea Party. I may not agree but I know badass art when I see it.

republicans masquerading as libertarians

2009-04-09T23:21:00.002-05:00

Ok, ok, so why stop now?
Saw a quote recently by Glenn Beck now that he's with Fox "I'm becoming more and more Libertarian every day."
The revolution of the cogs is showing, Beck, I mean really, come the fuck on.
Has anyone else noticed that the Republican brand has become so TOXIC that even in the midst of a clearly Rush/Coulter/Dobbs infused rant, your con friends grab a breath to tell you how they're REALLY Libertarians?
Ok, by that stretch of the imagination, I'm a Libertarian as well.
This is also none to different than that d-bag who wants to to tit-for-tat you on every dem v repub talking point then when his/her argument starts looking as thinly veiled as an American journalist in Iran they smugly inform you that they "... vote third party" last election. So, fine, listen there is no such thing as third-party punditry in this political landscape, so ahole you CLEARLY must fall more or less on one side or another of the moderate line (another conspiracy theory, anyone actually know any true moderates?) and when that affiliation becomes transparent, THAT's when this kind of dbag wants to pull the old bait and switch. And -- let me clearly state -- I've seen libs as well as cons pull out this same tactic. While I admire the idea of supporting a third party, I really don't see the point of a third part vote OTHER than as a last-ditch bottom of the deck trick to win political arguments. In fact, for all intents and purposes, I consider that fact to deem null and void any legitimacy of their political beliefs because in effect they basically chose not to vote at all.
allright. beer #2 on deck for the evening. and time to read some more of teh Twilight series. Don't hate. You know you're Team Edward (but since I've got native blood I've got to rep for Team Jacob, soory).

word 'socialist' trademarked by Fox News

2009-04-08T19:02:00.006-05:00

And I know I sound like a dbag when I talk politics. What's funny is -- in the 8 years that we had a Republican White House and I had plenty of drive to banter on about politics, I never once offended a conservative friend to the degree that they got truly angry and/or refused to talk to me any more. In the last 6 mos that's happened a couple of times already.
Maybe I should take the hint?
Nah!

Excerpt from an email exchange between myself and a funny con friend of mine who spends way too much time on Right wing conspiracy blogs but who also never fails to get me thinking ...

You don't even want to know the scroatattacks I'm planning with Natasha. I've noticed she doesn't find scroats nearly as hilarious as we do. This is going to change.

I'm not pointing to Bush only. If cons are so up in arms about socialism, why aren't they petitioning to repeal the policies of the New Deal? Maybe Social Security was a bad idea? Clearly Medicare is unnecessary and those people should just be shot or deported if they can't heal up and pay their own way. Or, maybe you want to talk big government -- Maybe this whole security force run by our government and patrolling our airports isn't a great idea? Or at least the department created to oversee it along with a million other 'security' depts is a bit of unnecessary bureaucracy?

In other words, no, Obama shouldn't be allowed to take us further down the path of socialism (unless a policy that could be spun as 'socialist' is inherently the right solution for the problem). But where is the activism to reverse the trend? Where WAS the activism to prevent the Bush administration? Or the Roosevelt administration? It is/was non-existent. Why is that Bush context important? Because it's not about being anti-socialism at all -- it's about the opportunistic Right co-opting a term that most citizens of middle america couldn't provide a decent definition of on their own other than to say it sounds bad and re-branding it as a conservative media talking point. It's about Fox News and Rush Limbaugh needing to create controversy to stay relevant. It's not about socialism at all or there would be anti-social security and anti-labor laws rallies going on right alongside the tea parties.

I heard a great quote about progressive v conservative. Conservative policies are designed to work for the good of the individual. Progressive policies are designed to work for the good of the many. Actually, that's not the quote but it's as close as I can remember. But the point is, neither of those is inherently WRONG. But there are times when one of them is the more appropriate response to the difficulties at hand. Additionally, most people kind of innately fall into one of those camps when they form their own cultural and political cosmologies.

All that is stuff I came up with from that bastardized quote. And likely someone else has said it before and more succinctly.

OBAMAGEDDONIT!

2009-03-20T00:07:00.002-05:00

when def leppard meets the obamapacolypse.

obamapacolypse!
when conservative blogs meet up with radical conspiracy theories and give birth to morbid predictions of global catastrophe.

the hybrids we drive are the hybrids we are

2009-03-11T20:55:00.004-05:00

just say that phrase to yourself once or twice. now imagine it with a Romanian accent.

i'm totally biting Andrei Codrescu (NPR poet) which is a novelty in itself since i think his poetry is heavy-handed and his prose a bit too Creative Writing MFA for me. anyone who's ever endured a grad-level writing workshop will know exactly what i'm talking about.

and as i just wrote that, i realize i've implied that i drive a hybrid and proclaimed my creative writing 'education'. ouch. i sound like more of a hipster dbag than i intended but the point is this:

what have you heard/seen/smelled/touched/held today that struck you? i mean just struck you with that sort of eternal truth or beauty, you know, the kind that hints at the otherworldly. anything that put your wires down into the ether for sec?

is it too much to ask to have that on a daily basis? am i an ingrate for always expecting it?

no, no. it's not expecting. it's longing for. (btw, don't italics just SCREAM longing? ever noticed that?)

a taste of the eternal. maybe it's a remnant of the eastern European bloodlines i have, but damn, if those moments are the ones that keep my faith in a heaven and an existence that's better, broader, fuller beyond our earthly constraints.

I suppose it's in my blood to see everything as work. I had a boyfriend who used to tell me that I was descended from polish rutabaga farmers or something equally absurd and that is the reason for my approach to life as toil. And the reason for my pointy chin. (yeah, i was in that relationship on and off for about 5 years too long. talk about toil.)

Fine, so say I, toil I will take. If for no other reason than the starkness of my workaday world contrasting so richly with the transcendent moments.

Similar thing for my faith. If I make it to heaven, do you understand the vivid, just freaking VIVD, sense of joy a narcissist like me would feel in having been proved right?? I'm sure even if I don't make it to heaven, but I go to purgatory or hell -- I'll have the same level of joy in the validation of a life of spiritual toil was not for nothing. (That statement certainly underestimates the benefits of spiritual toil on our daily lives too, so don't get me wrong, I appreciate faith as a reward in and of itself.)

At any rate, folks, it's the same old song, sadness makes the happier times happier. and it's true. i swear this is why as we get older, life starts moving faster and faster. it's because our experiential knowledge base just gets broader and broader and the contrast of the shit with the glorious just becomes more and more vivid. and those glorious times just pass by faster and faster, because we KNOW WE'RE IN IT. like meta-living but so innate to the human existence as to be undetectable.

(that last bit was a little love note to my darling Bebe who turns over the 1 year leaf this week. we did it, my dear.)

non-consuming, ill-considered lenten attempt

2009-03-09T21:13:00.002-05:00

i started off Lent this year with good intentions but no plan, unfortunately. I decided that I would go non-conspicuous consumer cold turkey. Well, let's just say I'm pretty much defeated at this point and more than a little disappointed in myself and my lack of commitment. i used to have this great resolve, this really wonderful ability to focus and put my head down and make things happen. I can still do that in a few areas of life, but for the most part, that part of my personality seems to have left me.
I know you're disappointed in me, too. At my failure to stick with this seemingly easy (not to mention full of self interest) form of Lenten fasting. It was harder than I thought. My goal was made up of smaller goals -- example: it's not enough to simply not buy non-essentials but I put the limit on myself not to do any window-shopping/internet browsing either. I think that's what did me in. I'm shocked at how much I look at products/supplies for greater things/clothes/you name it to sort of smooth away the stress of the day. Since I'm a mom now, I've learned to go without things that I used to love (dropping $$ at the bookstore, the art supply shop, clothing stores) and have supplanted that with simply browsing to get my fix. So I knew this activity had become part of my effed up value system and I knew that had to be cut out as well.
Like a true addict, days into the endeavor I could feel my skin itching at the sight of a clothing advertisement or as I considered how tired I was and how awesome it would be to buy a finished dinner instead of making one, or how long it has been since I bought shoes (thanks for the free ones by the way, El). By day 4 or 5 I was overcome. I will spare you the dirty details because I'm shaming myself publicly as it is.
I should've probably written about it throughout and maybe i would've had more success, but regardless, I've found a very tender spot in what I like to think is a pretty stable identity that's been assembled, deconstructed and reassembled over the last 31 years. I suppose the greatest win this year is that I'm now motivated to learn more about this, get a plan together, and try again next year.
In the meantime, there's a closet in need of organization bins and a toddler in need of size 3 jeans. I'll just try not to relish the shopping for those things so much.

Ex-Countrywide Leaders Profit on Loans Gone Bad - NYTimes.com

2009-03-04T20:08:00.000-06:00

Ex-Countrywide Leaders Profit on Loans Gone Bad - NYTimes.com

prison loaf

2009-02-22T06:39:00.002-06:00

have you heard of this? i read it about it ova here. i think this is an interesting idea for my two year old. Since just like the prisoner in the story, he's been known to show his disdain using the eloquent vehicle of a poo-schmeared wall.

also, look closely at the ingredients list and i think you will see a striking resemblance to KFC's Tater Bowl. It's just in loaf form.

http://www.npr.org/programs/wesat/features/2002/apr/loaf/
Special Management Meal
Yield - Three Loaves

• 6 slices whole wheat bread, finely chopped
• 4 ounces imitation cheddar cheese, finely grated
• 4 ounces raw carrots, finely grated
• 12 ounces spinach, canned, drained
• 2 cups dried Great Northern Beans, soaked,
cooked and drained
• 4 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 6 ounces potato flakes, dehydrated
• 6 ounces tomato paste
• 8 ounces powdered skim milk
• 4 ounces raisins

Mix all ingredients in a 12-quart mixing bowl. Make sure all wet items are drained. Mix until stiff, just moist enough to spread. Form three loaves in glazed bread pans. Place loaf pans in the oven on a sheet pan filled with water, to keep the bottom of the loaves from burning. Bake at 325 degrees in a convection oven for approximately 45 minutes. The loaf will start to pull away from the sides of the bread pan when done.

Bewbies for Babies

2009-01-30T22:15:00.008-06:00

I breastfed both of my kids and just to provide some context for the following opinions, while I wasn't an exhibitionist about it, I've breastfed at restaurant tables discreetly and had no complaints. I figured most people probably preferred a little glimpse of side boob to the wailing of an unconsoled infant. I've breastfed a wailing baby in public without a blanket with my tot strategically covered (the t-shirt/tank/nursing bra trifecta is your friend girls). In my experience it's really not that hard to avoid garnering unwanted attention -- assuming it's unwanted. I actually had more comments when I went to a bar and had the occasional beer (doctor sanctioned in the last trimester) -- but I certainly didn't play the victim and whine about it. I knew I was baiting people to a degree. (I actually thought that was AWESOME that some stranger would speak up to me in a critical way about having a beer. While I clearly didn't agree, that made me think that just maybe this human race still has a bit of self-preservation instinct left.)
Each child was a different age and development level when they naturally wanted to drop the tit. However, I was listening closely for that moment because I saw it as a key developmental milestone. I'm skeptical that mothers who breastfeed ALL of their children to the exact same age are actually listening to the baby who will give you (sometimes subtle) cues (e.g. milk production gradually decreases, baby watching intently as you eat food, frequently turning away, baby growing a 5 o'clock shadow).
I have not doubt that a toddler would still want the closeness but that's where I start to wonder why an older child (2 or 3) would value that interaction over say reading a book together at nap time or rocking in a chair unless the mother has engineered their quiet time together to be based on breastfeeding. Yes it's perfectly natural and some ladies are 'addicted' to the zoned-out relaxation of breastfeeding (think I read a Selma Hayek quote to that end, talk about inviting the inappropriate thoughts of dudes everywhere). While that doesn't weird me out, it makes wonder about control issues on the mother's part. Are these mothers infantilizing their children in other ways that are more vital to the development of an independent identity and that may actually have some lasting effects? Are they stuffing their children in these ideological boxes that have more to do with their perceptions of themselves as mothers than they have to do with the child him/herself? (E.g. I WILL breastfeed this baby until s/he is X years old. He will not have sugar except on birthdays.)
All of that said, observing and validating the individuality of each of my kids is kind of my sacred cow of mothering, so certainly it is plausible that if I have a third it could give me no sign of loss of interest well into middle school. But I just really have my doubts.
Finally, and to me most importantly, regarding some moms who really get worked up about their right to breastfeed in public ... As a fellow mother in this dark, sometimes fucking abysmal world, aren't there about, oh, 999,000 causes more relevant to child and family welfare? I mean, I know that abused children, grieving children and homeless families are bummers, but those causes could actually benefit from your level of fanaticism, er, dedication. Just a thought.
Also, this dude totally LOVES it when you breastfeed in public. If that isn't reason enough.

I've lost too much of my life to Dirty Dancing

2009-01-29T23:17:00.002-06:00

You know, no one believes me but I never had any use for those tardo girl movies. I wanted Olivia Newton John to be suffocated by her blue spandex pants. Travolta = REvolta. Every slumber party of my youth, without fail, someone would come with a VHS copy of either Dirty Dancing or Grease and at some point in the night I would have to pretend as best I could that I cared if you could see the Swayze's schwang as he got out of bed in the morning after scene. And don't give me that bullshit that they loved it BECAUSE it's bad. No, no. 8 year olds in the 80s weren't that sophisticated.
Maybe I was always just a little too dykey to give a crap.
Well, still am. A blog I read often posted the whole final sequence of "Nobody puts Baby in the corner" and I felt the same mortification come over me as I watched the Parkinson's tremor-like shaking of Jennifer Grey's flat white ass and the Swayze all sweaty rockstar kneel-slide across the floor to the poorly feigned audience reaction.
Hideous. Something at the core of my being is just appalled. Maybe it's the lack of self-consciousness of the 80s; the complete vacuum in which that version of American culture seemed to exist -- which is the only possible interpretation for why the final dance number would be set to a Michael MacDonald duet (sorry, just looked that up, not MM himself but who cares).
And as for Grease, I won't even go into how boring that story is and how I could give two craps about the music. Even today, drunk at a bar somewhere in JoCo as some aging soccor moms hear The One That I Want then cut through the bar din with their shrill squeals and hug and commence to dance and sing, I just can't handle it. I know I'm a party pooper but I just don't get it. A scene like that takes me back to those slumber parties where I sat on my sleeping bag watching bemusedly and feeling so very awkward as the girls who knew every word jumped up and down in the their Strawberry Shortcake PJs and squealed. And they thought they were really cool, and I guess I sort of bought that too because part of me wished that I knew those words -- instead of all the names of the Sunday morning wrestlers or the entire dialog track to Less Than Zero (I was a 5th grade nihilist). Part of me wished that I would pick a VHS copy of Dirty Dancing over the copy of Night of the Living Dead next to it.
It's kind of fun/scary for my own children to think about these self-reflective moments from childhood where a sort of innate anomie was revealed to me bit by bit. Of course, I didn't really know what to do with that information until much much later. I hope my kids don't have the same darkness of spirit that I do but if they do, I'd like to think I can help put it in context for them, maybe guide them to use it for good in the world.

so obama has an occasional cigarette ... we're all adults here

2009-01-22T16:06:00.004-06:00

so i'm listening to this story on Obama's propensity to fall off the non-smoking wagon and they're basically saying that because the guy has an occasional cigarette, that he's still a smoker. and that even the occasional cigarette increases your chance for multiple types of cancers in old age. So, essentially, they sick all the dogs of anti-tobacco research on him. But, I call bullshit.
Are we all so infantalized by our Big Brother culture that we really can't tolerate even an occasional cigarette enjoyed without calling them an addict or reminding them of the risks of what they're doing.
If the same person occasionally has a cocktail, does that make them an alcoholic? I mean, where is an appreciation of the mastery of moderation? Have we become such a goody-two-shoes culture that we can't even enjoy the lone cigarette at the end of a week that took forever and had too many deadline (nevermind that we can't allow someone with the most stressful job on the planet the luxury of a relaxing smoke).
This is no different than being someone who can enjoy a nice cocktail or two and leave it at that. Despite the alcohol lobby's attempts to convince us that drinking is actually good for you (just like Big Tobacco used to try to assert in the old days), we all know that we're doing something toxic. But damn, if it isn't relaxing and sometimes nothing is better than that -- because you're a big kid and you made some big kid calls and made some stuff work and held the weight of the world on your shoulders for a time and hallelujah, that time is up and now you can take a moment of reflection.
If I choose to take that moment, alone, in my own backyard in the middle of the night, who the hell is NPR to call me an addict? Fascists.

That's right, JoCo. SUCK IT!

2009-01-20T17:09:00.003-06:00

Just like my friend in JoCo who wants to point out how everyone's down on JoCo until they need to go to the Mall -- I add Exhibit B to the growing list of shit you all come to the Dirty Dotte for, even while you turn your nose up. Bring your sunscreen white boy!
--------------------------------
From the UG Newsletter:

Despite rumors, the Schlitterbahn project was on hold. The project team confirms the Schlitterbahn water park will open this summer.

County Administrator Dennis Hays provided an update on the project and reaffirmed to UG senior staff that private funding is in place for the Schlitterbahn project to proceed forward. "Despite the dismal economic conditions, more than $140 million have been spent on the development and construction of this project to date," he said in a letter to staff and the UG Board of Commission.

The project schedule calls for a phased opening, beginning with the water park opening for business the summer of 2009. To date the Schlitterbahn has:

* Completed 90% of the site work
* Completed 100% of the underground storm water system
* Received equipment on a regular schedule for the resort
* Completed 70 % of the Tidal Wave river structure

Ferry BoatDespite the cold temperatures and snow, equipment continues to arrive to the site. Just last month, two ferry boats were shipped to Kansas City. The two-year old boats will be refurbished and retrofitted with clean natural gas engines. The boats will be part of the signature Transportainment river system when they debut along the Guadal-Comal River at the new entertainment destination.

"The ferry boats are important to us in many ways," explains Michael Catcott, project executive for the Schlitterbhan Vacation Village. "Not only do they shuttle our guests throughout all areas of the resort, but use of these recycled boats also demonstrates our continued commitment to green practices."

The Schlitterbahn team and their principle financing partner, Entertainment Properties Trust, LLC, have committed the necessary funding to ensure opening of the water park this Summer

Can we (white people) stop congratulating ourselves now?

2009-01-20T10:06:00.002-06:00

I'm ready to get the fucking show on the road already. Enough with the self-congratulations, white people who didn't even vote for Obama anyway -- getting all excited about a black president like it's fucking Corn Dog day at Costco. Listen, I know it's historic and I'm actually very touched. Or, I was. Like 3 months ago. Now, I'm just ready for the person I helped elect show me if he's worth a gotdamn. Get to work!

Noggin (Preschool on TV)

2009-01-09T22:41:00.002-06:00

It makes me sad to watch the Upside Down Show (on Noggin, geared specifically to ages 2 -5, preschoolers) at 11:00 at night.
Because I think of all those little ones out there on the other side of the TV, watching it too. I'm sorry little guys. I'm pretty sure if you're watching right now, you aren't watching with a parent to help explain why the dude with the bad white boy fro is playing an imaginary slide whistle and talking to puppets under a black light. You're probably drinking something caffeinated and eating something that came in at least one layer of waxed paper wrapping.
No. I wish you were mine. You'd be in a cozy bed right now wrapped in clean PJs with dinner in your belly and a kiss goodnight.

how many ninjas do you have in your family?

2009-01-06T00:50:00.000-06:00

God, my floor doesn't usually look like that, but there was some ninja holiday cookie-making in effect prior to this.

inappropriate exclamation of the day

2009-01-02T19:33:00.002-06:00

back when i used to leave the house on a regular basis, this sort of occurrence was common enough to populate (overpopulate) a blog. you'd think with the infrequency of these exclamations, they would get less and less vile. Not the case, my friend. Instead, it's like capping a smokestack. She's gotta blow at some point, heh,

Manager: Andy's feedback was awesome wasn't it? He's so great about that kind of thing.
DH in Consultant Mode: Oh my gosh, when I read his email, I totally wanted to blow him.
[awkward silence]
Manager: So yeah, I don't think there's any rush; we don't have anything urgent going out.

Sometimes I can't find the right words to convey my excitement over a small work issue. In those times, apparently I feel the need to resort to 5th grade playground talk. Except, I wish I could have really taken it full-tilt.

DH: When I saw his email, I totally wanted poop on his face then make him lick my butt and put a baloney sandwich on his junk so I could eat it off then puke it up and make him lick up while i run around yelling Dame mas gasolina!

or something. god, 5th grade playground talk provided like the most innocently grotesque and confounding explanations of sexual acts ever. i suppose it's because the thought of what people actually do was just as absurd as anything my little mind could come up with -- i just put it on all the same basket of EWWW.

'Basket of Eww' sounds like something i would've come up with then too.

Did I ever tell you about the time ...

2008-12-23T14:57:00.004-06:00

I read David Sedaris' Santaland Diaries (or was it Barrel Fever?) and then went out and got myself a job as an elf for a 'celebrity Santa' at the first indoor mall in America, Southdale in Edina, MN?

Well, I did. And if you should ever want to hear of my own adventures in Santaland, buy me a couple of hot toddies and we'll sit a spell and I'll delight you. Or do my damnest, anyway.

Merry Christmas, little dovies.

Obnoxious Word of the Day: Schadenfreude

2008-12-19T13:28:00.002-06:00

This word is a favorite among bloggers. It also is almost never used in actual conversation. I'm fairly sure it's because the kind of person who uses this word holds a deep abiding fear of pronouncing it incorrectly in the presence of someone who they suspect might be smarter than he/she/it. It's almost never used correctly, either.
"Dictionaries define "schadenfreude," however, as a pleasurable emotion resulting from the misfortune of others, with no implication that this emotion is publicly expressed or actively sought."
I'm also convinced that they only reason bloggers know this word at all is directly attributable to Avenue Q.

dees nutz

2008-12-19T11:09:00.002-06:00

sometimes it's so clear that i'm a 15 year old boy (c. 1993). every time Roman asks for nuts, I reply, "Dese nuts?"
and snicker.

hehe.

the days are slow around here.

Ro's photography is coming along

2008-12-17T11:25:00.000-06:00

He took this by the Christmas tree last night. This is probably my favorite photo of me in the last 3 years.

symbology of patriotism

2008-12-13T23:07:00.003-06:00

the american flag is rarely invoked in an interesting way on film. this is the second time in my memory.
1. the protagonist of American Movie talking about cleaning diarrhea splashed public restroom stalls while folding the flag at the cemetery where he was caretaker. 2. this. and this is far more moving.

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2008/12/filmmaker_barry_jenkins_explor.html

Just overheard

2008-12-12T10:59:00.002-06:00

Cousin Jake (age 4) spent the night last night so we can go see the trains at Union Station.

Jake: Will you be my best friend, please?

Ro: RRAAAARRRR!

(misc childhood din)

Jake: Will you be my best friend please?

Ro: Ok, Jakey, I be best fwend.

Jakey Bio: He lives in the country outside of Leavenworth, but he loves the city. Favorite past times include: trains, singing God Bless America, being shoeless, and telling on Roman for hitting, yelling, talking, playing and trying to give hugs. He is Roman's best friend.

Vaginal Hygienist

2008-12-05T16:17:00.003-06:00

When I read this post by MHIBTY I had to concur with her musings on going in for a vag inspection. I often get reflective around this time as well.
She states that it would be nice to know, if our vags are being compared (um, which they SO are as I have a friend of a friend who is a gyno and apparently this gyno has some HORROR stories), then it would be nice to get a word of encouragement.
For example, i went to get my teeth cleaned and checked this Monday. The hygienist remarked, "Good looking teeth in there!" I felt a tinge of pride and paid a silent thank you to my mom who dutifully signed me and my brothers up for our cleanings every 6 mos. Also two years of braces -- with rubber bands, bitches! (I know what pain is.)
I would say it's just as appropriate to comment something to the effect, "Nice grooming. If everyone groomed like you, my job would be a lot easier!" I have an equal or even greater amount of pride in the navigability of my business down there as I do to the health of my teeth.
So why not a pat on the back, heh?

Off

2008-12-05T13:14:00.001-06:00

Official Google Blog: Pirates vs. Ninjas: Who would win?
Let everyone know which side you've chosen in this war-to-end-all-wars:

http://jasonpreu.wordpress.com/2008/04/21/new-from-eyewash-press/

http://jasonpreu.wordpress.com/2008/04/24/new-from-eyewash-press-2/”

Bebe ate poop yesterday

2008-12-03T09:40:00.001-06:00

I'd like to call that a milestone in my parenting. I was changing Ro and took my eye off her and the dirty diaper for a second, then heard, "Glurrrrrp!"

Yeah.
Gross.

WTF, Gmail Themes?

2008-11-25T15:58:00.003-06:00

Dear Google, do you know why i picked your stupid beach theme for my gmail? because i wanted a little escape, that's why, because i wanted to keep on the sunny side as i picked through the tepid waters of gmail awash in email subscriptions i don't remember signing up for, notifications of sales on shit i still can't afford and reminders from my google calendar on work I'm hopelessly behind on.
then i see this, and it's like you've just thrown my new coat in dog poo and danced a celebratory jig on top of it.

thanks for brightening my day with this sad tale of a sand-drenched ice cream cone.

Paris Ghetto Filmfest

2008-11-23T21:35:00.001-06:00

So I'm starting this thing

2008-11-22T08:40:00.002-06:00

With some other women. Trying to get control of the day to day stuff. Some of us need to lose weight, some need to save money and plan financially, some need to simply organize their homes or schedules. Some need all of the above.
I know, but it's actually pretty interesting. We even started to blog about it over here Support Channel. We're all pretty different people. Some are moms, some are non-moms, some are younger, older, etc.
But basically we just name some goals and report in on Sundays. We do a mid-week check in just in case you're one to cram for deadlines, you can still salvage some of the week. We were doing this all by email but decided it might be fun and clearer to put in blog form.
I know there are a million forums out there for this kind of thing, but I hate forums. 90% of the crap in forums I simply don't care about but it takes forever to sift through. And most of the users are totally random and lost and are asking random and lost questions.
So far so good on this whole goal-setting thing. I'm getting work done, keeping the kids on schedule and even working out a bit at night. It's the most constructive project I've gotten on board with in a long long time. So check it out.

You make me sick!

2008-11-18T00:53:00.002-06:00

I got an email with that subject line and it alarmed me. Then I realized it wasn't from anyone I know.

Randomly I think that I'm glad I have kids. Kids always love, even if they don't understand.

i made flying turkeys today bitches

2008-11-13T22:26:00.003-06:00

what did you do with your life today?

yeah. exactly.

p.s. I heart having to actually go interview people for stories I'm writing. It's $75 a story. Give me a fucking break. For $75 you get me trying to call your ass and get you on the phone and stressing because you're shirking your duties and won't call me back until the day before my deadline at which time you inform me that you only have like a sentence from which I should write 300 to 400 words so I thus must arrange for babysitting and tag my husband along with me to some god-forsaken corner of the Power & Lite district where they don't serve appetizers but want to advertise to happy hour groups. And I go home and slap some lipstick on that pig and turn it over to my editor at which time I am thinking, this blows, but when my $375 check comes it'll all be worth it. Or will it. At least the Bombay Sapphire and tonic was on the house.

ah confession

2008-11-08T16:39:00.002-06:00

one of the greatest things about being Catholic. I like to hold back and save up the good stuff so I go maybe once a year. I feel sorry for those priests having to listen to boring stuff like I used the Lord's name in vain XX (X) times...
So we talked about the election and my lack of trust in the Church leaders to lead me through the gray areas of pro-life public policy. He stated that a lot of people felt the way I did and he blamed the Church scandals. I argued a bit (heh, naturally) that I was just not the kind of person to blindly trust authority. We prayed for humility for me. We prayed for me to be like a child.
Which is actually something I really do want and value. But it's also a skill. A skill that I'm painfully aware that I don't have.
We also talked about a tough conversation with a friend recently. Since I'm a douchebag and an emotional coward, this happened mostly by email. We agreed that that was a mistake. And that I shouldn't beat myself up about it because even if I failed to speak as Christ would've wanted me to, I spoke from the heart and a place of love. And sometimes I fail. But I'm called to keep trying because calling someone out on bullshit is an act of mercy. (I paraphrase here.) And not to give up on people.
Of course, not giving up is hard for me, I realized that before I even had this 'come to Jesus' talk with this girl, I'd given up on our friendship. And that's a lesson. Allow myself to be open to being surprised by someone's ability to confront emotional messiness. Jesus was all-knowing and all-seeing but he held out hope that he wouldn't be betrayed.
At any rate, we prayed again for me to be prudent and loving with the gift of Wisdom that has been bestowed on me.
Hey, those were his words, not mine, folks. :)
All in all, a vastly misunderstood sacrament, but probably my favorite. I heart being a Catholic girl.

so i'm getting nervous

2008-11-06T21:12:00.003-06:00

facing a weekend without my baby girl. for the first time. Jay is taking them all down to the Ozarks. If that weren't scary enough, he's going without me. But it's better that way, for reasons I won't bother to go in to.
So what does a one-time-reluctant stay at home mom do with her first 48 hours to herself since ... since ... um, when. when. i can't even say.
i have lots of freelance to do (thank you lord), even more projects around the house, and a very cloying part of me that is telling me, fuck it all and get out your paints. Draw, paint, draw some more. Go to the Nelson for one of those reverent walks you used to do alone on a Friday night. No date more interesting than Caravaggio. Go see that steampunk-inspired show they've had forever now.
I don't know. Are those things artifacts from a life gone by? Sometimes I hear myself talking about it, and I say, yes. I'm a mom now. I'm supposed to use my reading time and investigation time on shit like What number of plastic leeches into my kids' foods?, Should I be scraping poo off disposable diapers to avoid adding more methane to the air?, Is the baby formula tainted with melamine?
It's taking me awhile to assimilate both halves of this personality. It takes me awhile after the baby is born to start feeling like i'm not breathing for two 24/7. While I can feel the mother/cub thing sort of loosening up a bit, I'm still sniffing in the air for hints of danger or predators. It sounds crazy, I know. But being a mom is a differnt head space for me. For instance, Jay and I were talking about M.I.A. and her preg self up onstage somewhere doing Paper Planes and shooting her imaginary guns in the air. And I felt awed by her, and dually scared for her and also bewildered. You become a force of life-giving when you are a mother, and for someone who has always teetered on the edge of morbity and fascination, it's a 180. And I just wondered if she felt confused up there. Confused like I did. Or do.

this goes on the list

2008-11-06T11:05:00.001-06:00

of hopes for my children -- and, for that matter, myself.

"Prove yourselves innocent and straightforward, children of God beyond
reproach in the midst of a twisted and depraved generation — among whom
you shine like the stars in the sky while holding fast to the word of
life." —Philippians 2:15-16

Just happened to see it this morning and it hit a chord.

Wolf Blitzer's Situation Room OF THE FUTURE ...

2008-11-04T18:42:00.003-06:00

For the record, Wolf, the CGI model of the Capitol in front of Campbell Brown is ridiculous. It makes me wish I were a CGI Godzilla.

Furthermore, unless you are communicating with a time-traveling pundit who is talking with us from two days from now, the life-size hologram is unnecessary. And it only accentuates your, ah, diminutive stature. You know I love you, Wolf, but that's cheap eye-candy and makes me think you think the viewership could be mesmerized by shining things. I mean, literally, the hologram chick is shiny.

It's like when I found out the new Star Wars prequel had CGI characters in it.

Boo.

I felt like Yakov Smirnoff

2008-11-04T16:22:00.002-06:00

A fullness in my heart came over me as I approached the New Missionary Seventh Day Adventist Church and I saw hearty folk waiting in a 2-hr line at 7:10 in the morning. In the Dotte. In the morning. A line stretched out on to 25th St. People brought their kids in strollers. As I walked up to the tail of the line, I couldn't help but raise my arms and proclaim, "Now THAT'S what I'm talking about AMERICA."
The requisite amount of 'she's out her damn mind' looks and chuckles ensued and I basked in the glory of democracy in action as I watched the some come out of the side door of the church with a proud look, a glow of a deflowered novice voter. And I felt more patriotic than I have in more than 8 years.
What a country.

some call it unnatural ...

2008-11-03T20:40:00.000-06:00

I call it Safari Fever. I blame that vulgar squash behind them.

Just in response to Bishop Finn and every other one issue Catholic voter

2008-11-03T17:31:00.002-06:00

I just don't buy it, guys. I don't buy it. And on the eve of casting a vote that could damn me to hell -- in the opinion of Bishop Finn of the Archdiocese of KC -- I sent this email to him. I doubt it will reach him, but I just wanted to tell him what probably few if any of his sheep have had the honesty to.

"I'm sorry but I have a hard time understanding why as Bishop Finn states, my eternal salvation is in jeopardy if I vote for Obama. Am I wrong but aren't there innocent children -- who just happen to have the unfortunate luck of being born already and in Iraq and Afghanistan -- who are being killed by our government? By our fellow citizens? How is voting for McCain who states that he is going to continue to kill these children any less of an offense against my salvation? I mean, really? You don't think there's a GIANT gray area there? You don't think God understands why I can't vote for someone who is a war mongerer? Because Obama will simply continue to let women choose to kill their babies or not? It's a terrible thing, I hate abortion but I also think that God gave us free will. And those women have to answer for that choice. What about our soldiers? Killing people for no reason at all? Other than it's their job? I'm just so confused and I don't think Bishop Finn's statement is correct. I just don't see God as that myopic. I think he loves babies that are here already just as much. Oh, and also he cares about lives of death row convicts, another group that McCain turns a blind eye to when it comes to being 'Pro-Life'. I mean, come on Bishop. Aren't we all a little bit cafeteria Catholics in this election? It's EASY to pick the babies. It's harder to stick up for the foreign children a world away, or the guilty convicts on death row. I thought Jesus lead us to make the TOUGH choices, not the easy ones.
If this even made it to you, I thank you for listening. I hope God has mercy on my soul -- and yours-- since we are BOTH making some pretty big concessions this election."

could amy sedaris be the funniest bitch alive

2008-10-28T22:21:00.003-05:00

http://vids.eonline.com/services/link/bcpid1396519019/bctid1877535273

Most internet videos don't actually make me laugh. They're like jokes that people tell at dinner parties. I politely watch and make a mental note whether or not I was entertained.

Amy Sedaris, however, and her vaginal hygiene tips, that broad makes me laugh.

I think it was a BLACK MAN!

2008-10-24T21:01:00.005-05:00

"A Message From Your Typical Obama Supporter"
Heh, or so the subject line read when I opened an email from a good but politically mislead friend this morning. I'd already heard the story on the radio and was in fact ready to look up the photo that accompanied it, so his timing was great. I already had some questions as to the validity of this far fetched tale.
Now, stay with me here because I have a larger point.
You may attribute my skepticism to my already determined vote for Obama. However, I think that's dismissive of the fact that I have a history of skepticism that usually seems to pan out. Especially when trying to suss out the truth from an often confusingly biased or just simply confused mass media. And that's why I can proudly state that I never voted for Bush. Not even the first time when we had no reason but to take him at his word. I thought then however, that he seemed mostly harmless and befuddled half the time. Little did I know what would lie in store for us for the next 8 years.
Now, my Republican friends, not even a question as to the validity of the woman's story, even though the CNN story stated 3 different times this morning that police could not substantiate the story. They must've scanned past those lines (attributable to the 'liberal media' operative that is CNN, I guess).
And here's the kicker for me. The word 'typical' being used in that subject line. Hmm. Now that we have a confession from a mentally unstable attention whore, would I be accurate to assume that she represents a typical crazy white woman who supports McCain (much in the same way that the original story painted the picture of a 'typical' Obama supporter which is apparently is believably enough a robbing illiterate [backwards B] black man)? Do you have to be mentally ill/out of touch with reality to vote for McCain?
Hey, I'm just saying this story has got it all -- two of the greatest towering racial stereotypes of the 20th century -- the black criminal out to hurt white women and a crazy ass white bitch in need of attention. Except one of those, in this case, isn't a figment of the imagination of the mass consciousness.

Customer Name: Random Douchebag

2008-10-21T22:07:00.003-05:00

In deference to this article by way of Tony's KC: http://www.kmbc.com/news/17768390/detail.html?rss=kc1&psp=news#-
Surprising entries on your receipt when you take something back to one of those overpriced dens of medocrity at Oak Park Mall (seriously, check your receipts):

Customer Name: Pedophile Withtoomuchfacialhair
Customer Name: Dissociative GothWhale
Customer Name: Stupid Whitebitchwith9kidsandacoupon
Customer Name: Androgynous Teenagerwithacoke/eyelinerproblem
Employee ID: Parkinglot Handjobs$1
Store ID: Human Litterbox01

I mean, excuse me, but for fuck's sake. You can't even take back a pair of shoes as a black man without getting looked down on by some night school dropout whose parents won't make them move out of the basement.
By the way, I won't be shopping there. I won't be taking my children there. If I want to pay too much for clothing made in China, I'll go support my friends at The Legends. Or Independence Center. Or Town Center. Fuck Oak Park Mall.

to crown center with love

2008-10-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

You're like an airport mall. Full of half-lost travelers, a captive audience and home to the area's only hive of useless gift shops. But unlike the P&L, you're family-friendly. Fritz's is always a hit and the hobby train shop on the top floor is full of curiosities. Really, $800 for a toy train?
Plus, you're a better reflection of KC. There's none of the JoCo veneer to the people walking these hallways. There's an element of danger in this crowd. You find yourself wondering if the angry girl in the hijab would just as soon shank you as look at you. It's fine. It's good to remember that tension's there.
But Ro, he's oblivious. Running the length of the Skyway between Union Station and the Westin -- the clouds bouncing around the last rays of sun as twilight rolls in. He's holding court above Main Street, watching the cars zoom to the Lego skyline ahead. The city is grist for the mill of childhood imagination. I'm glad my kids will grow up to be comfortable in the city and take the good with the bad, and all in stride. They won't have to wonder what's beyond the privacy fence in their own backyard. They'll be able to see it, touch it and wonder about it face to face.

this dude totally has a Pussy Wagon

2008-10-17T11:01:00.002-05:00

Nursing Assistant Charged With Sodomy

drill baby drill -- old shawnee

2008-10-16T16:17:00.000-05:00

Straight Outta Scranton

2008-10-15T22:26:00.002-05:00

Once again, a snoozer. At least I learned something new -- the addition of reducing abortion rates has been added to the Dem platform this year? Interesting. Nothing more, I suppose.
CNN's review panel was the highlight of the evening as usual. Jay noted several instances where someone in the crew must've held up a sign off-camera reading, "Vigorous Round of Hurumphs" -- much to my merriment. Campbell O'Brien has a hearty hurumph for such a willowy white broad. Also noted: the Hispanic, Republican Al Sharpton (Alex Castellanos) really is pretty useless, however.

my heart is empty

2008-10-08T22:48:00.000-05:00

But my stomach is full on zucchini bread. That's the way it always goes.
I'm back on the muthafucking rag, and it blows (and shows -- evidence the freshly baked zucchini bread with crystallized ginger above). And I'm startled by the finality of it. My baby-birthing days are over, just like that. That time in my life has come to a close and I'm mourning it. The innocence I found there in myself as a new mother. Those tender spots that I still had buried under all the damage, I didn't know they existed or I would've tried harder to kill them off in my reckless youth. But my babies soften them right back up.
There is nothing more beautiful than the unquestioned acceptance of love. A capacity which only a young child can still possess.
It's just been a hell of a whirlwind two years.

my 2 year-old is more politically saavy than you

2008-10-07T22:52:00.002-05:00

Or, at least a couple of his uncles. My son can actually successfully identify the two presidential nominees on television. I would put a hefty bill down on him being able to do it faster and more accurately than at least two of his uncles.
Ro also knows the McCain owns 8 houses and 'Bama owns one, just like us (assuming our house were worth 1.4 mill).
I'm thinking of picking up drawing again. I may be posting some stuff here. Keep your eyes peeled, suckas.

congrats katy and rob

2008-10-03T09:16:00.004-05:00

These two talented people are great together. They have decided to make it official and I couldn't be happier for them. They're all growed up. Like a proud mama, I recall when we first met Katy and we both looked at each other and said, Wow. Poised and talented and just a hell of a lot of positive energy and good fun, she's a great compliment to Rob's more reserved tack and sardonic wit. Congratulations, you two.

She voted for Hillary Clinton!

2008-10-02T22:46:00.002-05:00

And she ain't givin up on ye yet, Hillary!

http://www.wimp.com/horriblepolitics/

Lest you be skeptical that this is a farce, trust me, my husband is from the Ozarks. This broad really exists somewhere.

(Extra points: Watch for the alpaca and tell me, in seconds, how long it took her to deliberate, and ultimately decide against, flashing her floppy boobies.)

in this political season

2008-10-02T08:08:00.003-05:00

This should be required reading. And I'm talking about for adults, too. I see 'news' that defies these tenets everyday.

The Fallacy Detective

Equivocation

Appeal to Fear

funny, the ways we hold onto people

2008-10-01T16:14:00.000-05:00

I teared up today when I couldn't fix my grandma's whisk as I washed it. I'd grabbed it during the glorified looting that happens after every one of us dies. We cooked together often while I was growing up. I took a photo and kissed it before I put it in the trash.
Her namesake is up in her crib crying instead of napping.
It's like she knows. She's still slipping away, bit by bit.

just watched the debate

2008-09-26T21:57:00.003-05:00

I see where the accusation of Obama as overly intellectual is coming from. It was flying high tonight and I would say as a minority man in a white man's world, that ability to be intellectually superior yet even handed in disagreements has been a huge asset. I see in that approach the ability to put the tic marks aside and actually get shit done. I actually feel a lot better about him as a candidate although I think McCain may have ultimately walked away with this one tonight. It was close though, and given that this area is really McCain's turf, if he was going to hit one out of the ballpark, it should've been tonight. He looked uncomfortable with the directness of Obama's addressing him ... after much encouragement from Leherer. What I saw tonight was illuminating in that McCain (validly) wants to talk about what's happening now in Iraq, the surge, etc. but as Obama astutely pointed out, the war didn't begin in 2007, John, and what matters in a Commander in Chief is prudent judgment calls and vision. Not employing strategy postmortem. To me, McCain came off overall as a reactionary whereas Obama came off as intellectual. In this volatile world, I'll take the latter, thank you.

she's used up any benevolence from the vagina vote on this one

2008-09-26T21:51:00.003-05:00

I'm officially fucking scared. Count me in with Cafferty when he says, "If you are not afraid that this person would a be a 72 year old heartbeat away from the Presidency, you should be."
Like a state-school educated deer in the headlights. Wow. I can certainly see why McCain was trying to offer up tonight's debate to keep her from going head to head with Biden. I'm cringing already.

as perez would say

2008-09-26T10:01:00.002-05:00

Oh, the DRAMZ!

these fucking people

Though I'm glad to see the House Republicans finally, actually standing up for some Republican ideals against the wrath of the Administration.

we've started a new ritual

2008-09-25T22:18:00.005-05:00

the idea that some sleepytime herbal tea would serve to quell some of the bedtime fire and elicit a touch of buddha-like peace:

i'm withholding my vote

2008-09-23T17:01:00.001-05:00

Until I receive a 'Barack Out with Your Cock Out' t-shirt.

That's all.

ah, moral relativism or more emotional diarrhea

2008-09-21T21:19:00.003-05:00

I'm sure I heard this in, maybe a Mamet movie at some point but, it's true. No one thinks of himself as a bad person. We each think we are basically good. I myself think that, of course. But, I also know some pretty fucked up shit about myself. And let me tell you how I came to know those parts of myself. I spent the majority of my late teens and twenties entirely alone. I had no real friends to speak of and certainly no boyfriend. By choice, I spent my twenties sleeping with my flaws, running through fields of wildflowers with them and using them to keep me warm at night. While it was at turns an exercise in hiding from life, it was ultimately a valuable experience, if a lonely and possibly scarring one, but, one I recommend if you have the luxury. It's a journey that's needed here and there in life. A time to find where your boundaries stand and reshape your identity. Again, it's a luxury, work meant for those without larger commitments, most specifically for a woman who does not hold the responsibility of protecting others' hearts.
But you know, I tend to forget that a lot of women haven't had this experience. So, I'm holding them to this standard that is ultimately, I guess, not applicable (I almost used 'unfair' there but I don't like the victimized connotation there).
That said, I consider it my duty to hold my fellow woman up to a higher standard. If I quietly condone tales of victimhood (which most often amount to little more than an elegant way to pass the emotional buck), how is that calling someone to be the better person they are? That's not why I'm here. That's not why you're here. Me blindly offering you patent support (to be a true friend) is not fair to you (and displays all the emotional depth of a 7th grader). It is not you being called to your better self, which speaks to my benevolence (and hopefullness) that I believe that part actually exists.
And that's it for Oprah today, everyone. WTF.
In closing, this has been a random conglomeration of unrelated (and unrelatable) crap, so why not throw this one in:
It's good to understand this world as a cold place, because when you find a warm pocket, you'll cherish it even more.
But a more eloquent and less damaged take-home would be this one credited to Mother Therese:
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
(yadda yadda yadda)
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

hmm. now what's the corporate equivalent of Welfare to Work programs?

2008-09-19T16:20:00.003-05:00

What could it be... hmm. I think it's called 'moral hazard'. I'm hoping all those Reagan fans are loving this fallout of 25 years of deregulation.

ready, set, offend

2008-09-19T16:20:00.002-05:00

I'm been thinking about the psychological implications of where we fall on the conservative/liberal scale and I have to say, I've said this before and I continue to think that the biggest difference between me and my right-leaning friends is, not that we don't all acknowledge (for the most part) what the issues are that are most pressing, but rather, what we think our government can and should do in the face of them.
I consistently see them whose votes are motivated by fear. Fear of science, fear of minorities, fear of someone taking their hard-earned money, fear of a terrorist attack, fear of the end of white male patriarchal systems, fear of a socialist system, fear of the future, fear of changes to their way of life, fear of sex. Fear, fear, fear.
Some of those may legitimate fears, I suppose. But I don't identify with handing my vote over to a person or group simply because they've tapped into my (very human) fears. More importantly, I don't want a party that takes that approach to me as a voter. It shows a cynicism and belies a latent bent towards totalitarianism (I think this is most vividly demonstrated by the current administration). I'd rather be motivated by creative energy and hope. As fluffy as all that sounds (to my ears, too, people) I favor that approach.

the rubik's cube of the Church's political/apolitical leanings

2008-09-18T15:20:00.003-05:00

So, once again, I find myself grappling with being a Democrat in every way except the abortion issue. But, let me clarify here: "I would like women to not have abortions". Which, is a completely separate sentiment from "I would like to see Roe v. Wade overturned." Exhibit A is a clear moral statement. Exhibit B is a misunderstanding of the role of government in society.
So, this letter from the area bishops leaves me cold, confused and misunderstood. It's like high school all over again.
This statement from the Pope (before he was papa) leaves a lot open for interpretation, in my opinion. And Naumann seems to be overlooking the nuances there. FYI, I think he lacks imagination. I far prefered Keleher. For those of you, who know what the hell I'm talking about --- anyway.
When a Catholic does not share a candidate's stand in favor of abortion and/or euthanasia, but votes for that candidate for other reasons, it is considered remote material cooperation, which can be permitted in the presence of proportionate reasons.
They go to say:
""Could a Catholic in good conscience vote for a candidate who supports legalized abortion when there is a choice of another candidate who does not support abortion or any other intrinsically evil policy?" But the bishops say they cannot conceive of a reason that could possibly outweigh the evil of abortion: "What could possibly be a proportionate reason for the more than 45 million children killed by abortion in the past 35 years?""
Hmm. Proportionately. Are we talking numbers here, Fathers? Sure, if you think the life of a gestating baby is proportionate to a breathing walking talking laughing crying hugging baby, then yes, I follow you. But, here's my problem. If McCain supported bombing the shite out of London because we think some terrorists are there, would it be proportionate? I detest the race card, I do, but I guarantee you folks, little innocent blond children and their english-speaking selves, well, we'd be able to shake out all of these nuanced proportions the bishops ta,lk about.
I'm sorry, guys, but don't you dare call me a mutherfucking 'Cafeteria Catholic' because I don't give my vote to people who are wink-wink nudge-nudge Pro-Lifers (check the largest donors of the Republican party, they don't stand where you think they stand -- it's branding, is all). I often feel like I'm the only one in Church on Sundays thinking about poor people, not a block away, but a world away. Thinking about the death penalty and the fact that there is no bigger anti-capital punishment story in the history of man than the one that's told in the New Testament. The Church is clear on these issues...why aren't my fellow Catholic voters?
I start to feel less alone the more I search outside my community. I see the catholic democrats web site, hear a nun do the convocation at the DNC... those are encouraging things.
http://www.lifesitenews.com/ldn/2008/sep/08091604.html

warm beer, cold comfort

2008-09-16T22:38:00.002-05:00

drinking into the night as I toil away on my biggest freelance project to date. it's been what seems like eons since i last worked two jobs and it's kicking my ass. Because being home with the kids is tough. It's not desk work, people. It's work-work. And then this project has been riddled with potholes in deployment so blah blah blah.
I wish I had something more interesting to talk about. But like I've done so many times in life, when conjuring an interesting thought is impossible, simply drink, drink, drink.
Oh, I found out a girl I used to work with is now doing local body building championships. It's so awesomely bad. I'm torn between oily, glistening admiration and orangey leathered revulsion. Way to go! Sort of!

cold kickin it cholo

2008-09-09T20:49:00.000-05:00

sissy rocking her bro's tank. what a couple of badasses.

McCain is the Bacon -- OR -- so really i could give a crap but

2008-09-06T22:13:00.003-05:00

since she decided to deride the importance of Obama's community organizing for being President, I submit for your consideration:

She was teasing her hair and practicing saying 'free throw' without a flub in some god-forsaken part of Alaska while he was setting up an employment office for out-of-work steel workers.

Being generous, I'd have to call that one a wash, my friends. :)

http://deadspin.com/5045284/you-can-take-our-sarah-palin-videos-but-youll-never-take-our-freedom

and since i'm on a roll. can we be serious for a moment please? look at this shit. it's beneath ME to discuss her 'qualifications' and the most glorious act of service I've done lately is make a batch of no bake cookies (ok, that was self service).
http://www.catholicdemocrats.org/news/2008/09/palin_attacks_catholic_communi.php#more
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1838571,00.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/04/palin-attended-5-colleges_n_124036.html

Ode to the DBC

2008-08-31T16:02:00.002-05:00

For those of you who don't know, we are lucky enough to have a Dunn Bros Coffee in northern JoCo. For this reason alone, JoCoSOB, I strongly suggest you reconsider ceding from everything north of 95th Street. Now, DBC is a chain, make no mistake. There is nothing wrong with that in my humble opinion IF in the process of being a chain, you don't lose grasp of product quality and the integrity of your business model. Back in oh, say '97, I was a minion of Ed Dunn back at one of his hometown shops in Minneapolis. I could sling a superior hazelnut latte with the best of them. Back then I also realized that you can most certainly taste the difference in beans that are roasted on premises. The Bros. Dunn had decided early on that they would spread their bean knowledge far and wide. This afternoon when I walked into the location here off Metcalf I was overcome with the aromatic nostaligia that a brewed DBC bean elicits in me. God, if this isn't the best coffee on the face of the planet AND free wi-fi (which I'd forgotten about). The other thing I love is that this is an actual coffee shop. They don't have giant glorified Slurpee machines. You want a Frappacino? Go over to those amateurs with the green logo across the parking lot (yeah, they moved in about 6 mos after DBC opened its doors here in the strip mall next to Half-Priced Books). You want iced coffee? The people in the green smocks ask you what flavor (um, COFFEE flavor?). Here, they tap the vat of cold-pressed coffee that, once you taste, you will never again settle for some hot-brewed-over-ice-bitter POS.
Ed Dunn, you delicious owl-looking bastard, these many years later after a voice mail message informing me that my services were no longer needed, you've finally won my respect. No, not with your "Got time to lean; got time to clean" mantra, but by staying the course of treating your customer like they know a thing or two.

viva los praters

2008-08-31T10:34:00.004-05:00

Who, I believe, are probably on a plane to somewhere where free drinks fill fountains and people with sexy accents stroll the beach. Scott and Katie, I'm happy to know you. That was the rip-roaringest wedding we've been to in far too long. I wish you a lifetime of happiness together.Even Lady Preutopia tied one on with abandon on this night for the Bombay Sapphire was flowing like, well... free gin! No, not just any gin, but gin of the gods. I heart you Bombay Sapphire, heart you like you will never know.
Old friends were found. Ladd, Jay's friend from the frat, was located and determined to be still a cool motherfucker. They talked old skool hip hop with abandon.
Meanwhile, family members drank and got merry on the dancefloor. I've never seen a more organized group of tipsy people when that Cha Cha song came on. While only the truly professional wedding dancers knew the Charlie Brown, everyone calmly awaited further instruction and it came a second later.

Later, I grabbed drunk pix of Jay and I. He stated his balls itched. I caught the formation of the word 'balls' on camera.

We went home. Tucked in the tots and called it a night.

hopped up on caffeine and free wi-fi

2008-08-28T15:44:00.002-05:00

Panera. Home of all things mediocre barring the exceptionally fast free wi-fi. Also, here in Olathe, second home to entrepreneurs, pharm salespeople, political operatives, realtors and housewives in search of respite.
this guy next to me in a full suit. older white guy with matching white hair and beard, tall and angular in his summery beige get up with the fine wale. reminding me of the modern version of a mad men character. unloading all he knows to his wet-behind-the-ears accomplice in a pink striped button-down re: all the latest in the pharm sales community, who's where, who's moving, who's selling, who's buying. If only he were enjoying a cigarette and highball instead of a large pink and yellow icy thing with what appears to be a small pvc pipe being used as a straw.
Good god. Skinny guy, are you really putting that in your willowy body?
I think a pack of unfiltered camels might be only marginally worse for you. and really, the enjoyment factor, soooo much greater.

spiritual jujitsu

2008-08-27T19:04:00.001-05:00

“Zen means ‘attain “don’t know” mind and save all beings’. Show me this 'don’t know' mind.”

Don’t Know mind is as commonplace as a shrug. It’s the save all beings part that gets complicated.

i'm an asshole

2008-08-27T15:52:00.004-05:00

this isn't news, really. and i'm just saying, that i know this.
i said some tough stuff today. but i said it out of caring and an attempt to be helpful. it wasn't received this way and i'm not surprised. however, no one can ever accuse me of not carefully considering what i'm saying. that's not to say it's said well. but it's coming from a deeply considered place and a sincere wish to make things ok. and yes, i realize how arrogant it is to imagine myself as being able to heal a situation that is essentially out of my control.
i guess i'd like to know more people like me. :) heh, or maybe not. it's not pretty. it's not fun. it actually sucks. and i hate my lack of positive emotional boundaries.

that whole thing made no sense. crap.

just one of those unecessary things

2008-08-21T11:50:00.002-05:00

a friend sent over a forwarded email about the hazards of ubiquitous plastic bag usage. it's not news but i thought we were doing well because we recycle our bags. heh. not so much. apparently it's something like $4k to recycle a ton of plastic bags which can then make about $32 worth of new plastic bags. jeez. apparently some countries have banned them all together and some U.S. cities. San Fran of course, but also a rather surprising Google entry belonged to Baltimore, where a ban is also being pushed. And, this actually makes more sense. San Fran, you ppl are preaching to the choir... now, Baltimore, YOU have balls. I'm pretty sure in some neighborhoods, bag boys could run the risk of getting a shiv to the gut for not producing a plastic bag for a patron with a short fuse and lacking a strong re-use ethic. So...what do I care you say? Well, if my family can go to cloth, so can everyone else here in the 'dotte. That's right KCK, let's make this a plastic bag-free zone . It makes more sense for us because seriously... it could actually have an effect on our neighborhoods (does meth traffic as well in tiny canvas bags?). I for one would love to never see another bright yellow Dollar General bag hanging from a street sign or blowing down State Ave like an urban tumbleweed. You passed a 'green city' plan last year. How about adding this initiative to the list?

gratutitous

2008-08-20T15:51:00.008-05:00

Yeah, I officially take photos of myself to post online. At least my kids are in them so the narcissism quotient is slightly mitigated.

one (or two) or these is not like the others -- or -- come on ride the train, it's a poo poo train

2008-08-19T13:29:00.001-05:00

I suppose I should count myself lucky. He hadn't picked them up yet and put them on the track.
Also, Jay cleaned carpets during college.
Doubly lucky.
Wish us luck with potty training!!

postscript: my friend Ky-ro suggested that Ro simply wanted some cargo to pull. heh. i wouldn't put it past the little rogue.

happy birthday, ro (the sequel)

2008-08-14T21:08:00.000-05:00

The party for Ro's 2nd bday was a blast. The house was packed to bursting with all his little homies. He continued to sing himself Happy Birthday well into the following week and has a new-found fascination with watching videos of himself. We had the ever popular Poo 'N' Choo Choo theme. Below are samples of my #2-themed party treats (yes, those are indeed candy corns).

one way to kill the mystery

2008-08-10T18:29:00.000-05:00

,
using the phrase "puking out of my asshole" to your husband.

sooo hawt.

has a ring to it doncha think?

2008-08-07T17:41:00.002-05:00

nature's most complete conditioning treatment! and, though i didn't grab a snap of the ingredients list, trust me there was the dubious entry about half way down: "placenta".
placenta of what, who's to say?

cat splatters

2008-08-06T10:58:00.002-05:00

are filling the house these days. mysterious splats of some form of cat loogie. then, not so mysterious, Kung Fu's urinary tract infection that causes him to piss anywhere but his litter box. thankfully, he seems to favor one corner of the screened-in porch. Which at least can be disinfected.
but, i have to say, it seems we've come to a crossroads. the end of an era, if you will. i really can't keep a cat who costs me furniture, carpet cleaning and a good night's sleep (up wondering if you're going to be pissed on).
I'm sorry for him that he's peeing blood, but really, he's gotta go if this is going to be how it is. I kinda wish we hadn't declawed him because at least then he could be an outside kitty. Now, however, his future looks bleak.
If you have a heart (unlike me) and a home covered floor to ceiling in plastic (also unlike me), please drop me a note.
Selling point: The pee usually only comes by the thimble-full!

spam for the brainwaves

2008-08-04T00:24:00.004-05:00

i love quotes. i prefer a well-chosen quote to actually reading any given work by an author. like letting someone else do the sorting of diamonds from the coal.

"Romance is the deepest thing in life. It is deeper even than reality." -- G.K. Chesterton

I want to believe this, and I'd like to think that's because my definition of romance, or the ways I can actually be romanced, are diverse. And I love the honesty there...romance is not reality. It may be deeper, and thus more valuable even, but it's not reality. You can't hold on to it. It is meant to ebb and flow and be inconstant. For us marrieds, it's not a goal. An entry in the good marriage ledger. It's a choice. It's a skill. It's a rarefied gift that is appreciated all the more for its temporal nature.

eh, maybe i'll never get this romance thing down. i'm too practical.

heh, something Jay said

2008-07-28T11:09:00.002-05:00

we were talking about some stuff and he told me, "But Sarah, you're just not a romantic."
to which i replied, "I guess."
then later, not able to let sleeping dogs lie, I said, "I can't believe you don't think I'm a romantic."
(note: nor am i an emotional bully. hehe.)
"Well, you're a romantic...but, you're a rational romantic." (Borrowing something from his own rational mysticism ethos.)
"Hmm. No, hon, I'm a conscientious romantic." (Borrowing something from the conscientious objectors in war time. how fitting.)
But, really, I gotta give it to him. He's right. I'm no romantic. I'm a sentimentalist. Vastly different approaches to the world even if the same kind of fantasy is involved.

kids are the innocent bystanders. think hard before you have them.

2008-07-27T20:11:00.003-05:00

that thought came ringing loud and true in many a conversation this week. it's been kind of sad. seeing some really wonderful children lose their family, in more than one way.
on Friday morning, I was emailing my best friend from high school about coming to Ro's bday. Then, I decided it had been a long while since I'd heard any progress on our friend Brad Selock who we grew up with and who'd been diagnosed with cardiac angiosarcoma, stage 4 actually by the time it was diagnosed in January of this year. I got on the web site the family has been keeping up, with photos and updates on his progress, pictures of his beautiful son and daughter. Though I hadn't kept in touch with him, I was really pulling for him and felt the connection come back that we'd had as kids as I looked through the photos. It had been passed along to me years ago that he had indeed settled down with a nice girl and had two kids with whom he could often be seen out and about in our little hometown. Sadly, I hadn't made it to our 10 year reunion or I'd have gotten some good stories first hand. Anyway, I was looking through the updates and saw that Brad was going to be coming home. I popped back to gmail and there was a message from Dad stating Brad had in fact died overnight. Now, I don't know if it's that he and I were at the same stage in our lives, or if that connection we had as kids just came back like that, or I was mourning the futility of life or what, but if that news didn't hit me hard. The first boy I ever held hands with. The first one I thought highly of in fact. Basically just a kind soul -- something I could recognize at 11 years old then all but forgot not too long thereafter. He got a bum wrap. Left the world like that. Left a wife a lot like me with kids just a few years older than our own. I couldn't stop considering the devastation. I've worked with grieving children in the past, in situations ranging from a parent leaving to go to war, to divorce, to long terminal illnesses of a parent or sibling....their little inner worlds are just unbelievable -- the combination of resiliency be way of general misunderstandings mixed with moments of otherworldly clarity. Being so much closer to the life source, children can spook you with their grasp of the eternal. So, when people give me that shit of "oh, they'll be fine, they're young" I know that's because they don't know what else to say, and considering the devastation of a child's psyche is too much to bear. Especially if the speaker has some responsibility to protect that young psyche. But it's real; it's real.
Brad didn't have a choice, but plenty of us do, I just think when we decide to have kids, you know, our lives are not really ever again our own. Our choices become their consequences. Our paths, with all those bumps, result in their bruises. Our psychodramas become their emotional baggage. Our lack of self-knowledge, their neuroses. It's a lot to toil under, that responsibility, and with such a high bar, failure on some level is inevitable. I suppose what I can give my children, when some day they come to me with the emotional scars of being my children, will be to tell them with a true heart, that I made the best choice for them as I understood it. Not the best choice for me, but for them. If I can say that without equivocation or qualification, then I've succeeded. There is no bigger trauma for a child than to be made to feel irrelevant or inconvenient. I truly believe that.
But...it's a sad, sad world.
Ain't that the truth.
(that link makes me question this whole new-found mother earth connectedness that i've been tapping into. because i really thot that douche was the real deal. go figure.)

Whoomp! There it is!

2008-07-20T17:34:00.003-05:00

driving home from the awesomest yoga class ever which included an impromptu back massage (sounds creepy i know but trust me it was great), such a great class actually that i could feel my brain firing on all cylinders, the cosmic antennae reaching into the the ether for nuggets of universal truths. i also happened to be behind a white Jetta with an Obama '08 sticker as i cruised down Metcalf. And it hit me. Whoomp! There it is! is the most genius campaign theme song for Obama '08. i could go into the intricate details of just why this would be a masterful choice, but suffice to say, Tag Team is loooong due for a comeback. Tag Team could truly unite America again, for what other song could unite soccer moms and ballers...factory workers and college cheerleaders...millionaire heiresses and immigrant workers...Turner and Hooch? all the class wars of American pop culture could dissipate in one chorus.
that's my moment of brilliance for today. thanks for listening.

here's hoping i don't fart

2008-07-20T10:30:00.002-05:00

pom reports on a universal fear among yoga beginners. i'm going to yoga today and haven't been since before the first baby was born. waaay before. like my 2 month of pregnancy or something. but i'm very excited to maybe get in some better shape. and sweat out the massive amount of salt i've been eating. it's crazy when salt actually forms where your sweat was once you cool off. that's happened on many occasions to me.
this week i'm also going to start writing down the food i eat.

in other news, tomorrow is Jay's birthday. wish him a happy one, would ya?

luxury items

2008-07-19T09:25:00.002-05:00

it's something i like to do on occasion, when i find a really great little site somewhere that i'd never heard of. like this one: www.bodenusa.com.
this is the kind of stuff i would love to dress my children in, like little mini-poshbex offspring. in a good 10 mins of shopping i filled my virtual cart with over 700.00 in clothing. i felt a strange satisfaction with that number, like knowing that my taste in wonderful things hasn't suffered even as my pocketbook continues to do so. i could never do this in real life. some overly-angular salesgirl would be hovering about. asking if i need help. ruining my sick shopping buzz.
no, not like this though. ahhhh, window shopping online is a beautiful thing.

also a beautiful thing. The latest Helio Sequence. i don't know about their earlier stuff, but this album puts me in the mind of Factory Records c. 1988 or so. very stone roses with some newer vibes thrown in, maybe interpol esque. love it.

and for mash up fans, i'm touching myself inappropriately over this Girl Talk cd. some truly fun stuff on there.

vivid

2008-07-16T21:31:00.002-05:00

many of you are going to think this post absolutely nuts. eh, so what. here goes.
so i've been struggling almost daily with the decision to stay home with the kids. is it better to extend our time of financial toil in life, possibly affecting the kids' futures and education opportunities, or is it better to be home daily with them giving them (hopefully) a sense of emotional security that I didn't really have. it's constant, this questioning, and it's quite intense. i feel like everything relies on my decision here. but, something i'm actually feeling in the last few weeks is this tug at my soul, like, whatever happens, God wants you home right now with these kids. This feeling of something quite specific being requested of me from God. Uh, wow, that's a new one for me. Point is, the few times in life i've felt something like this, my spiritual ears perk up. and i'm feeling this. more and more all the time. even as the bills pile up and credit card companies call constantly...i have this voice saying, you're not doing this for you. you're doing this for me. stick with it. you're making a tough call but trust me to stick it out. i'll let you know when you're done here.
i know, it's a little nutty sounding. again, even though i've felt the hand of God here and there in life, i've never felt it so vividly.
Also, i've been going to a mom's group where we are reading books that i would've never picked up on my own, and they are centering around being a Christian wife and mother and woman. and, to my complete surprise, i feel like i'm getting some powerful stuff out of this.
Anyway, 4 or 5 days ago, I was dreaming about my grandma being brought back to life by this weird Re-animator-esque Svengali type. It was creepy and pretty weird and just hard to understand. then, like a title frame in a movie, black text on white background, comes across my pov and it says Romans 4:35. ok, well there isn't a Romans 4:35 but there is a Romans 4:3-5. THe text was just so vivid and I'm Catholic ok, I don't really 'know' the Bible. I've never seen something like that in a dream of mine. One, to have words, two to remember them and have them stuck when I wake up. In my mother's group the other night we looked it up together. It talks about Abraham benefiting from his faith and the motif Paul uses is that of a worker and his wages. Essentially stating that faith, believing the instruction given you from God, not works heh or working, is the measure of righteousness in the eyes of God. As we read it, I kid you not, we all got goosebumps. I've never felt this level of personal connection with God. Having kids man, it's heavy, serious shit. That responsibility entrusted to you as a parent to care for these little children of God, it's nothing to be trifled with -- and when something so vivid comes across telling you so, telling you that indeed you're on the path, such a direct invitation to set your mind at ease with your decision, that's powerful, powerful stuff. i actually kind of equate this with asking God for a sign that he exists and him actually like setting a bush on fire and talking to you with it. i mean, i never asked for a sign of any kind. that's totally out of my purview. it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask such a thing. that kind of thing strikes me as sort of, i dunno, spiritually stunted. Jay is not overly impressed by any of this. He said he would be impressed if the bible verse were burned into my forehead when I woke. Sure, that would be impressive an X-Files kind of way, but so is seeing a bible verse flash across your dream cam. Someone who has never actually even read the whole Bible. I mean, it's actually kind of shaking up my sometimes overly logical approach to spirituality. it's that vivid for me. it hasn't killed off my wish to go back to work, to be able to afford stuff i like, or wish to make financial progress in life. it's just that i have this great certainty now that those material wishes are pretty much irrelevant to the path my life is on. that's extremely liberating.

For what does the scripture say? "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness." A worker's wage is credited not as a gift, but as something due. But when one does not work, yet believes in the one who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness.

Also note, this same sentiment is repeated throughout the Bible and especially in the New Testament, so why this passage in Romans of all places? With this employment motif. this is a unique passage in that way.